Oregon Humanities Fall/Winter 2008

Cover of Oregon Humanities Fall/Winter 2008
Kathleen Holt
EDITOR
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The Puzzle of Propriety

What etiquette books reveal about the dubious nature of manners

By Edwin Battistella

Picture yourself at a formal dinner. Which glass is yours, the one on the left or the one on the right? Which fork do you use first? How do you remove an olive pit from your mouth? What should you do with your napkin after the meal?

The answers to these questions are part of the etiquette of formal dining. There are similar rules for hundreds of other life situations--from the concert hall to the gym.

The wide breadth of modern-day etiquette is evident in contemporary guidebooks. The seventeenth edition of Emily Post's Etiquette discusses e-mail, cell phones, and answering machines, and letter writing. It covers piercings, tattoos, and jewelry, and the "encore wedding." Not to be outdone, Letitia Baldrige's New Manners for New Times includes sections on living with adult children, breastfeeding at the office, and safe sex. As society and technology have changed, we have found new puzzles of propriety and have developed new rules for what's acceptable and what's not.

The United States was founded on egalitarian principles, with the widespread expectation that social rank would be leveled. But we have always had etiquette guides and gurus to help us distinguish the uncouth from the refined. As Arthur M. Schlesinger Sr. notes in his 1946 history of American etiquette books, Learning How to Behave, works like Eleazar Moody's The School of Good Manners and Henry Peacham's The Compleat Gentleman were very popular among well-to-do colonials. These etiquette books defined correct behavior in terms of respectfulness, modesty, and piety, while at the same time focusing on daily practices such as table manners and grooming.

The impact of these rules on colonial gentlemen is evident in the school records of young George Washington. An exercise book preserved in the Washington Manuscripts collection at the Library of Congress reveals the future president's hand-copied list of 110 "Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation," prerequisites for life as a gentleman farmer. These rules Washington studied were based on European etiquette for dress and table manners. Rule one hundred, for example, explained, "Cleanse not your teeth with the table cloth, napkin, fork, or knife, but if others do it, let it be done with a pick tooth." Other rules dealt with conversation and social interaction, such as rule eighty-eight, which reminded us, "Be not tedious in discourse. . . ."

But the etiquette Washington studied also included maxims about our intentions. The very first rule explained, "Every action done in company, ought to be with some sign of respect, to those that are present," and the final rule advised, "Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience."

Though the principles Washington studied dealt with showing respect and consideration for others, they also centered on making a good impression. Benjamin Franklin offered similar advice in his autobiography, emphasizing matters of ethics ("Use no hurtful deceit") and practical behavior ("Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation"). But he also stressed the power of appearances, as in "Advice to a Young Tradesman," when he reminded us that "The sound of your hammer at five in the morning, or at nine at night, heard by a creditor, makes him easy six months longer."

The most extreme exposition on manners as a way of getting ahead in the world emerged from the letters of Philip Dormer Stanhope, the fourth Earl of Chesterfield, to his illegitimate son. Published in England in 1774, the book, titled Principles of Politeness, and of Knowing the World, explains how to impress and influence others. Merit was important, Chesterfield writes, "but trifles, little attentions, mere nothings, either done or neglected, will make you either liked or disliked." In various edited and condensed forms, Chesterfield's book became a popular nineteenth-century guide to manners and behavior, and was even published in American editions. Among other advice, Chesterfield warned his son that being overly familiar would offend his superiors. He advocated tactful assertiveness rather than flattery or contentiousness. And he pointed out that too much attention to trivialities causes one to be viewed as "incapable of greater matters."

Chesterfield's rules were about how to maneuver socially, but in the United States some new concerns were arising. The election of Andrew Jackson created expectations of an "era of the common man," and the rising classes were growing anxious about demonstrating their equality to the gentry. Largely comfortable with their moral and religious behavior, they especially thirsted for knowledge about refined manners: Should gentlemen remove their hats indoors? Was it proper for an unmarried woman to dance the waltz? How should a woman speak to domestic servants? Was it rude to inform your hostess of bedbugs?

The evolving nature of etiquette seemed to be more concerned with appearances than essences. In the 1860s, Arthur Martine even felt it necessary to remind readers that the rules of etiquette were about more than refinement--courtesy and politeness being the underlying principles. His popular Handbook of Etiquette advised readers not to scratch their heads, clean their teeth, or pick their noses in public, but it also gave advice on matters of character, such as the injunction not to "indulge in ridicule" or "descend below the level of gentlemanly propriety."

In his emphasis on character over behavior, Martine was fighting a losing battle. The Gilded Age at the end of the nineteenth century saw an even greater explosion of etiquette books focusing on propriety and refined appearances. The West was settled, education was spreading, cities were expanding, wealth was growing, and people everywhere were becoming more geographically and socially mobile. As American culture evolved, following the rules of proper behavior became increasingly important. The middle classes could not match the opulence of the Astors and the Vanderbilts, but they could emulate their manners. Concerns reflected in late-nineteenth-century etiquette books include the use of calling cards when visiting, when to use the knife or spoon as opposed to the fork, when it was permissible to smoke, the wearing of whiskers for men, and the conditions of courting and chaperonage for young women.

In the early twentieth century, society and technology were changing again--from motion pictures and automobiles to the Jazz Age and prohibition. The culture saw new social values, and the growing economic power and social freedom of women altered the market for etiquette books once again. One of the first etiquette manuals directed at modern women was Lillian Eichler's Book of Etiquette. Published in 1921, it offered rules for women who had jobs, drove cars, and stayed in hotels. While Eichler covered such traditional topics as dinner parties and luncheons, she also talked about games and sports, the business world, traveling, dancing, bachelors, and chaperones. She offered advice ("The well-mannered person is known by his or her calm conduct and gentle manners whether it be in the ballroom or at the football game") and rules ("The horn on the car should . . . never be used to signal to a person that the car is waiting outside for her"). She provided a rationale for manners in society, explaining that while etiquette meant respecting the conventions of society, it also involved character traits such as tolerance, "carefully disciplined impulses," and "regard for the rights of others."

Eichler's Book of Etiquette was livelier than Emily Post's Etiquette, The Blue Book of Social Usage, which followed a year later. But Post had the advantage of having been a wealthy debutante, married to and divorced from financier Edwin Post, and she was a well-known novelist and feature writer. Promoted by her radio show and newspaper column, Post's book ultimately went through more than one hundred printings and sold millions. But initially, Eichler's book was the more popular of the two. Her Book of Etiquette is especially noteworthy because its advertisements--which Eichler wrote herself--keenly pictured the social anxiety that led people to buy etiquette guides.

One series of such ads, which appeared in Redbook in 1922, chronicles the misadventures of Violet and Ted Creighton, a fictitious couple whose unrefined manners cost them dearly. In one scenario, the Creightons are having dinner with Ted's boss. After several embarrassing faux pas by Violet and Ted, the boss pulls Ted aside to tell him that he won't be getting a promotion. "I'm sorry, Creighton," the boss says. "I need a man whose social position is assured."

In Eichler's most famous ad, Again She Orders--A Chicken Salad, Please, a young woman disappoints herself by repeatedly ordering the same meal when dining out. Unfamiliar with the French items on the menu and clueless about how to properly use restaurant utensils, again and again she orders the one meal she is absolutely sure of. Another Book of Etiquette ad, Both are Embarrassed--Yet Both Could Be at Ease, explains, "Every day in our contact with men and women little problems of conduct arise which the well-bred person knows how to solve." That Eichler's ads utilize social anxiety to sell her book conflicts with the more thoughtful treatment of etiquette found on the pages inside--highlighting the double nature of etiquette. Just as with colonial and nineteenth-century advice about conduct, etiquette in the early twentieth century was part Golden Rule and part impression management.

One mid-century book called He-Manners told men that although etiquette had "peculiar, antiquated, and feministic connotations," bad manners were roadblocks to success. Career advice for upwardly mobile workers increasingly warned about impressions rather than perseverance and hard work. In his 1956 work, White Collar, sociologist C. Wright Mills wrote that the old model of success, one linked with personal virtues, was giving way to a social "climb within and between prearranged hierarchies." And in The Organization Man, William H. Whyte concluded that while "a half-century ago the usual self-improvement book bore down heavily on the theme of individual effort to surmount obstacles," by the 1950s, "what they tell you to do is to adjust to the situation rather than change it." Etiquette and the ability to get along with others were being reinvented as a strategy for getting ahead in the world.

Nowhere is this more evident than in Dale Carnegie's 1936 book How to Win Friends and Influence People. Written with the enthusiasm of a salesman and the authority of a textbook, it was a guide to the etiquette of workplace success. A modern-day Chesterfield, Carnegie explained that the biggest problem most people face is dealing with others and suggested practical techniques for doing so. Chapters focused on such topics as "Techniques for Handling People," "Six Ways to Make People Like You," and "Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking." Carnegie advocated for being courteous, attending to the needs of others, and avoiding arguments. He emphasized such techniques as letting others take credit for ideas, providing indirect criticism, and beginning a sales pitch with questions that people would likely answer "yes" to.

Carnegie's instrumentalism was mocked by critics such as Sinclair Lewis, who saw the book as an exercise in teaching people "how to smile and bob and pretend to be interested in people's hobbies so that you might screw them out of things." But Carnegie believed that by understanding human relations and etiquette, a person would become not just a better manager or salesman but more confident, sincere, and happy. His book, like Emily Post's, has sold millions of copies.

Thousands of etiquette guides fill our libraries, bookstores, and special collections. The enduring popularity of the genre illustrates our fascination with the details of conduct. The changing rules of etiquette reflect new social forces and technologies--from the rise of the common man and women's rights to the invention of the automobile and the ubiquitous nature of cell phones.

When we compliment a coworker, reach for silverware at dinner, wipe down exercise equipment, or clean up after the dog, we may do so without much conscious thought. But as we reflect on the changing nature of etiquette, we cannot help but marvel at how politeness and correct behavior have evolved throughout history. And as we remember the rules of propriety set forth by authorities such as the Earl of Chesterfield and Emily Post, we cannot help but wonder: Is etiquette more about the needs of others or our own?

Edwin Battistella teaches English and writing at Southern Oregon University. His book Do You Make These Mistakes in English? The Story of Sherwin Cody's Famous Language School will be published by Oxford University Press in November 2008.

© 2008 Oregon Council for the Humanities